Like a kite caught in a storm I thrashed around without direction. Soaring highs followed by crashing lows.
I begged the skies to treat me gently, knowing too well this was not a possibility.
After what felt like an endless ride, you cut the string.
I’m free, I’m gliding…I was scared to be alone…but here I am, alive and thriving.
I’m no longer dictated by the weather of your emotions.
Rooted like a tree I’m stuck in the one place, gently moving with the current of life.
You came like a storm and tore my branches, stripped my leaves and left me looking worn…
I admitted defeat and accepted that I was damaged…each day becoming more withered until the last leaf fell.
Darkness..all I could see and feel was darkness. “am I dead?”
Desperately I soaked in the sun, bathed in the water…
Unexpectedly woken by a dim light slowly creeping in, a glimmer of hope. The warmth crept back into what was left of my once vibrant branches!
My body is weak but my roots are deep, my foundation is strong.
Just take one look at me!
I have regrown stronger than I had ever imagined possible.
I started quite, my volume low. More like a soothing background noise. Time passes and my levels are adjusted. Getting louder I begin to take more of your focus.
Intermittently I become too much and you leave the room to get some peace.
You return to my side, my presence becomes stronger and stronger. I can see that it is too much for you, no matter how hard I try.. I can’t possibly tone it down…. you reach over to hit pause.
“This can’t be happening…again” I mumble stupidly. I brace myself and prepare to shut down…nothing….
You try again…nothing… my buttons must be broken! “Quickly, I need to fix myself before he pulls the plug” thinking frantically to myself.
I take a look inside, everything is working perfectly. “but why didn’t I stop on your request?”
You treat me like a machine when I am flesh, when I am beautiful, when I am forever moving…your control no longer serves me…
My Whole adult life has been spent ticking the boxes on a checklist created by society.
So I can feel comfortable in a pool of people putting up the same charade.
Conformity provides comfort, to be defiant delivers true freedom!
You have starved my ego to the point of near extinction, I now search within for love…
I feel you backing away inch by inch each day, as you retreat I throw myself in your direction. If I execute my flawless act of perfection then maybe you will want me, you will value me, you will stay…
After each performance, I stand back breathless and exhausted. “was that enough” I ask myself. You pat me on the back a few times and leave the stage.
I close my eyes and relive our encounter, “I’m so lucky to have a partner” I think to myself with delight.
The following weeks you are late for rehearsal, your lines are all wrong…all of the warmth has disappeared. ‘This is a disaster” I whisper in your ear.
You don’t see your flaws…you think you can do it without a script. My words make you angry and push you further.
I wake myself with tears and pray we can get it right for opening night.
Endless time spent trying to prepare for you. I’m tiered and worn… I continue to play your understudy. “can I really play both rolls?” I murmur softly to an empty dress room…
The curtains open, the stage is hit with an explosion of light. You go to open your mouth and deliver the opening line…nothing. I panic and jump to your rescue. Acting out the perfect scene, I am flawless.
I take a bow and wave to the audience, close my eyes and think to myself “I am so lucky to have myself”.
A life was lost to make you want me.. someone had to die to make this work…I gave up my essence to make you love me…
You took my identity and sculpted it into your own.
The mirror no longer reflected the unique goddess I was grasping to remember…
Who is to blame?…who deserves the onslaught of anger that is slowly being released…myself of course…
I was the one always putting myself in your hands, it was I who exposed to you my core, myself who surrendered the soul…I knew I didn’t quite fit, but I pushed myself into your mould…why?
Because I’d rather feel the temporary vibration of false love than feel the stillness of being alone…